Sunday, 02 December 2012
It's been so long since i've written. I usually write when i feel lost - but i have no reason to feel lost.
I started graduate school, and it has been difficult. I am not use to reading papers and taking exams anymore - but i know i have to do this and that i'm not the only one who is doing it so i should stop complaining about how hard school is.
I started a new job and it has been going super well - i have a good team, great boss and clients. However, every time i do something wrong (which is not often) i feel SUPER bad. It's almost like I DO NOT ALLOW MYSELF TO MAKE ANY MISTAKE. And if i screw up, even if no one says anything - i feel like I'm eaten up inside.
I like to think of myself as someone who is smart and knows exactly what i want. However, i made a stupid purchase of $750 today. I know it is not going to waste and i would enjoy every penny of its worth (for spa to take care of my unprefect face and help me relax for the next six months)- but i still think it is a LOT of money to be spending AT ONCE since i still have to pay for graduate school and i should save.
Anyway, I HAVE BEEN PUNCHING MYSELF WITH VERY LITTLE MISTAKE THAT I HAVE BEEN MAKING. WHY?
I don't remember feeling like this before, i am trying to think why am i feeling this emo.
Is it because i am handling too many things at once and that i am incapable of doing all of it at once. Maybe i should just refocus my energy and try to take it slow.
1. WHAT IS DONE IS DONE with the money, classes, work. Leave it behind and MOVE ON.
2. Try saving today. Pay the dues and move on. If that means i can't buy new stocks, so be it.
3. Start praying and figuring out I am really not that smart, watch what i say, LISTEN FIRST AND THINK BEFORE YOU SPEAK.
Wednesday, 27 June 2012
day i decided to download the kindle app and download a few books to read. That same day, i decided to travel, after i read and pondered upon this quote; "Invest your money in beautiful memories." That same month, I quit my job as Director of a prestigious preschool and traveled to Mexico and China. Once i came back to NY, i went to Lake Placid and Martha's Vineyard. This experience changed me. Now, i know how precious life really is, and i promise to live every minute to the fullest.
That week I made plans with two of my girlfriends to visit Cancun, Mexico. I've never left New York City before and when i told my friends i am going to Cancun, they thought I was crazy. I was asked to "please, google - US citizens death rates in Cancun." I started researching and reading different blogs on google and trip advisor, and the articles did what they set out to do - warn people against visiting Cancun. However, the girls and I went and it was a beautiful place. We flew Jet Blue and the flight wasn't bad at all. We arrived in a little over 3 hours. Once we got out, we went to a window where they helped us with currency exchange in the airport. Here are a few tips if you are traveling to Cancun.
1. Always try to make arrangements beforehand for car service to pick you up. Try avoiding hailing cabs or paying for car service in the air port (they usually over charge.) We used a company call USA and they were very helpful. Someone greeted us at the air port and arranged a round trip for 50$ USD.
2. It is true - only drink bottled water. I read online that we should also avoid the ice in Mexico, however i did ate a lot of the ice in the drinks i ordered and I am fine.
3. There are many activities to do there, we signed up for tours and activities once we got there and got deals through bargaining with a tour company in our Hotel. I would love to share more details if anyone is traveling and have any questions to ask.
I fell in love with traveling on this trip. It was an eye opener. I will never look at a Mexican the same way. They are hard working people with families to raise, just like me. The Mexican's i met there are friendly, helpful, humble, and very hard working (seeing them try to make $1 makes me feel horrible by the way i am living in NYC). I saw thousands of people buying admission ticket to tourist sites in Cancun such as the Cenote and ChiChen Itza which cost around $30 USD per person, but on our way into these places we saw many family living in very poor conditions. It was an eye opener for me because i saw how other people lived.
Sunday, 04 March 2012
There are so much i want to tell my parents, my mother in particular - but i have never said to her.
My mother isn't the typical tiger mom - but she had instilled the no failure expectation onto my sister and I. I dont remember when did it started, when I wanted to show her i can be independent. I started working at a very young age and had more money than anyone my age and in comparison to my friends, slowly, i became one of the more successful ones. And, so did my sister. She slowly climbed the ladder in her company and are doing very well. I have been working SO DAMN HARD. Everytime i grow i boost to my mother. Although sometime she asked if i am doing well or maybe i can take it down a notch, i started telling her i cannot settle for less. I don't know rather i am the one who is pushing myself so far or it is under my mother's influence. I am just very upset that my family cannot help me in any way.
Although my family was never rich or comfortable back then, currently we have very comforatble. Though, my mother has not paid a penny for my college tuition and currently i live in the hosue she just bought and i am paying rent. It bothers me everytime my coworker or friend questions why i have to pay rent to my own mother, i am embrassed to answer. I keep coming up with excuses that i have to help my mother pay the mortage in half the time. And they said, my parents should be helping me. Sometime i just want them to help me financially, yet i know i don't need their help. I don't know what is wrong with me. Because of the lack of help i receieve from my family, i become stronger, more serious about my work, a true leader. Today at the phone with my mother, she asked me how much i have i told her not much left, which isn't true, but i told her i am very stressed and tried and feels like i am all alone. i wanted to call. She told me there are people worst than i am and i should not complain. Thats not what i wanted to hear. I want her to tell me its okay, i can quit my job and hang around for a couple month and if i need help she would help. i wanted to hear that it is okay for me to take a break from work. I want her to give me permission to break - in which she never has. I've heard that i am lazy and i am immature and i want to have too much fun that i didnt set my poirity straight.
When we talked about my relationship with my sister, she reminds me how strong of a relationship i have with my sister. I did say, we do have a great relationship, but as much as i love my sister and would do and have done anything for the benefit of my sister - she was no where to be found when i was sick and when i was in a car accident. My coworkers and my friend kept calling and visited. But my sister, who lived a few block down did not come to see me. Sometimes i try to tell myself that they are busy, she mmight have her own problems and shes got her own reasons, but it really hurts me inside to see who is really there for me. SOMETIMES I JUST WANT TO BE SELFISH AND TELL IT TO THEIR FACE. but i cant. I care about my sister and mother too much. I really want to focus on myself now.
the point of this - just wanted to vent or else i might need to paid for a pyshcologist. Thank you xanga.
Saturday, 31 December 2011
Happy New Year Eve to the world. While i am sure there are millions who are out partying and celebrating this day, there are also who stay home, alone. I am one of those who stayed home alone this year. I can't help but think why? What happened to me. Staying home on these days are so unlike me. That would never happen to me years back. I can grasp the idea and i don't like how it is making me feel. Does it mean i don't have friends anymore. No because i do. Does it mean i am not fun anymore? Maybe because i don't live in the city - but that alone should not stop me from doing what i want to do.
For some reason, today i could not stop thinking, what happened to me in the whole 2011 year. Time flies. It flew soOoooooo fast that i can't believe how much things changed for the last year. I remember what happened excately last year at the same time. I was at a club with my then boyfriend. We have been fighting 2 weeks before and i knew i would see him at the NYE party. I was doing me and he was doing him. While we were both having fun we were talking and things didn't go as planned we ended up fighting. He was so upset he left the party. It was obvious he still cares about me since i was able to ruin his night even on NYE for him to go home. I remember that was my frist time crying in front of my bff. i told her we broke up and i wasn't taking it so well. I remember i ended up looking for him and we made up. However, whatever is not meant to be isn't meant to be because in 2 months later on his Winter break - we decided to break up mutually. I would never forget he said "I want to talk to you about something." I said, "Me too, you want to break up right? I was thinking the same thing, maybe its better for us to be friends" I would never forget he said "I'm so scare i would never find someone who would treat me better than you." I told him, "yeah you're right you probably wouldn't" We continued to be friends until i met a new guy and we stopped talking.
March 2011 - I spent a lot of time finding my life back. I focused on school and work. I was looking for myself. He was finishing up grad school and i was graduating. We still communicated. But i was open to meeting new people.
April 2011 - I was set up by my bff to meet a new guy whom she thought would be prefect for me. (Which is true, he is close to being prefect for me)
May 2011 - i graduated. It was such a great time. I was thinking about my career move. I wanted to do something more than just teach. I am getting to know this new guy. we went on a few dates.
Summer 2011 - I made it offical starting a relationship with my boyfriend. I got a promotion. I was tested many times at work. My friendship with a few coworker was tested. My leadership skills was tested. I was working like a dog. I was under so much pressure to succeed. This summer was when i really started to change. I became more blunt, stonger, individual, etc. I got into my first and hopefully last car accident. It has changed the way I view transportation.
September 2011 - I had plans with a friend and helped each other to the next step in building our career and wealth. I took 3 tests and failed one. And i retake and passed.
October 2011 - Work has been too crazy my health took its toll since i have been putting that last. My body started fighting against me. The lumps in my chest started to hurt, the hives attacked me for a week and my health took its toll. I also turned 22 on this month. My family forgot my birthday and my boyfriend had me celebrate with his family.
November/December : I haven't been thinking about my ex. But recently it has been bringing back old memories when i thought what i did on pervious holidays. I started to see the difference in my lifestyle. I cant help but compare my life now to my life years before and really see how i have changed.
For the year 2012 - i really wish and pray that something good is set aside for me as it is for everyone else. xoxo
Saturday, 17 December 2011
Hello world -
Recently i learned to take life easy not too serious will only be good to yourself. I learned to take everything down a notch with work with life with relationships, taking it a day at a time and truely being myself and good to others has made me happier than ever.
Yesterday 4 schools went out for the annual Christmas party and we had tons of fun. This is something i miss in my life. FUN. As i get older and busier, it seems like i dont remember how to party and live. I am thankful i know so many wonderful people. Life is more drama free. I thank God for making me a better person and i thank God for his plans for me. Although i didn't have an easy start, i appreciate the challenges he set for me that has allowed me to become who i am to. I am mature, confident, dipolmated as my boss would describe. A great friend, a great daugther, boss, sister, girlfriend. However i also know that i can be bossy, short-tempered, absent-minded, blunt and more. =) But i am grateful for my character.
Seeing that i have earned my respect from the teachers in school has really made me happy that my hard work has somewhat paid off. During the process of being in management i have experienced so much that has changed me in many ways. I am more clear to what i want and what i look for. I am more straight forward and has built leadership. I am thank for for my mentor.
In short - This morning i woke up and i am genuniely happy. Things are working out - its never the end of the world because AFTER THE DARKEST NIGHTS, COMES THE SUNSHINE.