Sunday, 04 March 2012
There are so much i want to tell my parents, my mother in particular - but i have never said to her.
My mother isn't the typical tiger mom - but she had instilled the no failure expectation onto my sister and I. I dont remember when did it started, when I wanted to show her i can be independent. I started working at a very young age and had more money than anyone my age and in comparison to my friends, slowly, i became one of the more successful ones. And, so did my sister. She slowly climbed the ladder in her company and are doing very well. I have been working SO DAMN HARD. Everytime i grow i boost to my mother. Although sometime she asked if i am doing well or maybe i can take it down a notch, i started telling her i cannot settle for less. I don't know rather i am the one who is pushing myself so far or it is under my mother's influence. I am just very upset that my family cannot help me in any way.
Although my family was never rich or comfortable back then, currently we have very comforatble. Though, my mother has not paid a penny for my college tuition and currently i live in the hosue she just bought and i am paying rent. It bothers me everytime my coworker or friend questions why i have to pay rent to my own mother, i am embrassed to answer. I keep coming up with excuses that i have to help my mother pay the mortage in half the time. And they said, my parents should be helping me. Sometime i just want them to help me financially, yet i know i don't need their help. I don't know what is wrong with me. Because of the lack of help i receieve from my family, i become stronger, more serious about my work, a true leader. Today at the phone with my mother, she asked me how much i have i told her not much left, which isn't true, but i told her i am very stressed and tried and feels like i am all alone. i wanted to call. She told me there are people worst than i am and i should not complain. Thats not what i wanted to hear. I want her to tell me its okay, i can quit my job and hang around for a couple month and if i need help she would help. i wanted to hear that it is okay for me to take a break from work. I want her to give me permission to break - in which she never has. I've heard that i am lazy and i am immature and i want to have too much fun that i didnt set my poirity straight.
When we talked about my relationship with my sister, she reminds me how strong of a relationship i have with my sister. I did say, we do have a great relationship, but as much as i love my sister and would do and have done anything for the benefit of my sister - she was no where to be found when i was sick and when i was in a car accident. My coworkers and my friend kept calling and visited. But my sister, who lived a few block down did not come to see me. Sometimes i try to tell myself that they are busy, she mmight have her own problems and shes got her own reasons, but it really hurts me inside to see who is really there for me. SOMETIMES I JUST WANT TO BE SELFISH AND TELL IT TO THEIR FACE. but i cant. I care about my sister and mother too much. I really want to focus on myself now.
the point of this - just wanted to vent or else i might need to paid for a pyshcologist. Thank you xanga.