Sunday, 04 March 2012

  • When everyone wonders how high you have climbed, never forget those who ask if you are tired in the

    There are so much i want to tell my parents, my mother in particular - but i have never said to her.

    My mother isn't the typical tiger mom - but she had instilled the no failure expectation onto my sister and I. I dont remember when did it started, when I wanted to show her i can be independent. I started working at a very young age and had more money than anyone my age and in comparison to my friends, slowly, i became one of the more successful ones. And, so did my sister. She slowly climbed the ladder in her company and are doing very well. I have been working SO DAMN HARD. Everytime i grow i boost to my mother. Although sometime she asked if i am doing well or maybe i can take it down a notch, i started telling her i cannot settle for less. I don't know rather i am the one who is pushing myself so far or it is under my mother's influence. I am just very upset that my family cannot help me in any way.

    Although my family was never rich or comfortable back then, currently we have very comforatble. Though, my mother has not paid a penny for my college tuition and currently i live in the hosue she just bought and i am paying rent. It bothers me everytime my coworker or friend questions why i have to pay rent to my own mother, i am embrassed to answer. I keep coming up with excuses that i have to help my mother pay the mortage in half the time. And they said, my parents should be helping me. Sometime i just want them to help me financially, yet i know i don't need their help. I don't know what is wrong with me. Because of the lack of help i receieve from my family, i become stronger, more serious about my work, a true leader.  Today at the phone with my mother, she asked me how much i have i told her not much left, which isn't true, but i told her i am very stressed and tried and feels like i am all alone. i wanted to call. She told me there are people worst than i am and i should not complain. Thats not what i wanted to hear. I want her to tell me its okay, i can quit my job and hang around for a couple month and if i need help she would help. i wanted to hear that it is okay for me to take a break from work. I want her to give me permission to break - in which she never has. I've heard that i am lazy and i am immature and i want to have too much fun that i didnt set my poirity straight.

    When we talked about my relationship with my sister, she reminds me how strong of a relationship i have with my sister. I did say, we do have a great relationship, but as much as i love my sister and would do and have done anything for the benefit of my sister - she was no where to be found when i was sick and when i was in a car accident. My coworkers and my friend kept calling and visited. But my sister, who lived a few block down did not come to see me. Sometimes i try to tell myself that they are busy, she mmight have her own problems and shes got her own reasons, but it really hurts me inside to see who is really there for me. SOMETIMES I JUST WANT TO BE SELFISH AND TELL IT TO THEIR FACE. but i cant. I care about my sister and mother too much. I really want to focus on myself now.

     

    the point of this - just wanted to vent or else i might need to paid for a pyshcologist. Thank you xanga.  

Saturday, 31 December 2011

  • Happy New Year Eve World.

    Happy New Year Eve to the world. While i am sure there are millions who are out partying and celebrating this day, there are also who stay home, alone. I am one of those who stayed home alone this year. I can't help but think why? What happened to me. Staying home on these days are so unlike me. That would never happen to me years back. I can grasp the idea and i don't like how it is making me feel. Does it mean i don't have friends anymore. No because i do. Does it mean i am not fun anymore? Maybe because i don't live in the city - but that alone should not stop me from doing what i want to do.

    For some reason, today i could not stop thinking, what happened to me in the whole 2011 year. Time flies. It flew soOoooooo fast that i can't believe how much things changed for the last year. I remember what happened excately last year at the same time. I was at a club with my then boyfriend. We have been fighting 2 weeks before and i knew i would see him at the NYE party. I was doing me and he was doing him. While we were both having fun we were talking and things didn't go as planned we ended up fighting. He was so upset he left the party. It was obvious he still cares about me since i was able to ruin his night even on NYE for him to go home. I remember that was my frist time crying in front of my bff. i told her we broke up and  i wasn't taking it so well. I remember i ended up looking for him and we made up. However, whatever is not meant to be isn't meant to be because in 2 months later on his Winter break - we decided to break up mutually. I would never forget he said "I want to talk to you about something." I said, "Me too, you want to break up right? I was thinking the same thing, maybe its better for us to be friends" I would never forget he said "I'm so scare i would never find someone who would treat me better than you." I told him, "yeah you're right you probably wouldn't" We continued to be friends until i met a new guy and we stopped talking.

     

    March 2011 - I spent a lot of time finding my life back. I focused on school and work. I was looking for myself. He was finishing up grad school and i was graduating. We still communicated. But i was open to meeting new people.

    April 2011 - I was set up by my bff to meet a new guy whom she thought would be prefect for me. (Which is true, he is close to being prefect for me)

    May 2011 - i graduated. It was such a great time. I was thinking about my career move. I wanted to do something more than just teach. I am getting to know this new guy. we went on a few dates.

    Summer 2011 - I made it offical starting a relationship with my boyfriend. I got a promotion. I was tested many times at work. My friendship with a few coworker was tested. My leadership skills was tested. I was working like a dog. I was under so much pressure to succeed. This summer was when i really started to change.  I became more blunt, stonger, individual, etc.   I got into my first and hopefully last car accident. It has changed the way I view transportation.

    September 2011 - I had plans with a friend and helped each other to the next step in building our career and wealth. I took 3 tests and failed one. And i retake and passed.

    October 2011 - Work has been too crazy my health took its toll since i have been putting that last. My body started fighting against me. The lumps in my chest started to hurt, the hives attacked me for a week and my health took its toll. I also turned 22 on this month. My family forgot my birthday and my boyfriend had me celebrate with his family.

    November/December : I haven't been thinking about my ex. But recently it has been bringing back old memories when i thought what i did on pervious holidays. I started to see the difference in my lifestyle. I cant help but compare my life now to my life years before and really see how i have changed.

     

    For the year 2012 - i really wish and pray that something good is set aside for me as it is for everyone else. xoxo 

       

Saturday, 17 December 2011

  • the good life

    Hello world  -

     

    Recently i learned to take life easy not too serious will only be good to yourself. I learned to take everything down a notch with work with life with relationships, taking it a day at a time and truely being myself and good to others has made me happier than ever.

    Yesterday 4 schools went out for the annual Christmas party and we had tons of fun. This is something i miss in my life. FUN. As i get older and busier, it seems like i dont remember how to party and live. I am thankful i know so many wonderful people. Life is more drama free. I thank God for making me a better person and i thank God for his plans for me. Although i didn't have an easy start, i appreciate the challenges he set for me that has allowed me to become who i am to. I am mature, confident, dipolmated as my boss would describe. A great friend, a great daugther, boss, sister, girlfriend. However i also know that i can be bossy, short-tempered, absent-minded, blunt and more. =) But i am grateful for my character.

    Seeing that i have earned my respect from the teachers in school has really made me happy that my hard work has somewhat paid off. During the process of being in management i have experienced so much that has changed me in many ways. I am more clear to what i want and what i look for. I am more straight forward and has built leadership. I am thank for for my mentor.

     

    In short - This morning i woke up and i am genuniely happy. Things are working out - its never the end of the world because AFTER THE DARKEST NIGHTS, COMES THE SUNSHINE.

Sunday, 30 October 2011

  • Happy Birthday to Me

    My mother forgot my birthday. So did my sister and my father. That is all of my family.

    Every year, around this timewould turn into a little girl and ask my mother, "mom, my birthday is coming, what are you gonna get me." She ususally gives me $300 and tell me to get anything i want. I of course takes the money and just spend it. My sister, however usually plans something sweet for me and gets me a really nice gift. However, this year, they both forgot. My only family - the two women i love and respect and expect more than anyone to do something for me - both forgot.

    I was genuinely hurt. I was sad. I thought my sister would plan a surprise because she usually remembers ..but 2 days gone by two celebrations gone by ...and no wishes from them... they did forget. Did my mother forget because i didn't ask her for a gift this year? Did my sister forget because she is too busy or have her own problems to deal with? I wouldn't forget hers. i would never. I was really sad and hurt. I wanted them to care - although i did spend my birthday with my bf and his family ( which is really awkward having his parents n bro celebrate with me instead of just us doing something nice) and my friends suprise dinner - i still felt something was missing because MY OWN family wasnt there for me.

    Today i reminded them that they forgot. I know my mother feels guilty but i do want her to feel guilty. I forgave her and spoke to her like it didnt bother me much - but it did - but i know i will get over it. My sister will make up a celebration with me  but i guess what i really ant is family close to me. However, i THANK GOD FOR FRIENDS. there may be times where friends have problems and we rarely have time for each other anymore ...i still THANK GOD for sending me GREAT FRIENDS who cares about me.

    in the end - i want to wish myself a very happy belated birthday and that i will have a wonderful year ahead of me.

Tuesday, 18 October 2011

  • How do you deal with so much love

    I think God is very fair.

    If God gives you something, He will take away others things and vice versa. One person can't have everything they ask for and no one will have a miserable life forever. This is something i have been hearing a lot lately from my older coworkers. Which is pretty true. I didn't have an easy childhood and didn't come from a family of wealth - however i've met a lot of wonderful mentors and people who had helped me. Now, while i can't live with my family,  my family is doing very well fiancially emotionally and physically.

    So recently I've been promoted to become Director of a prestigious preschool. This is a very big opportutniy for me since i just graduated from college. There are many girls in the school who are much older and have much more experience than i do. It has been a challenge to manage such a team. Although there are many petty issues that comes up everyday dealing with different personalities and plans, i think i've been doing pretty good and floating with different boats.

    It is a very stressful job attending to the needs of 200 high maintance parents and students, a boss and staff of 40 when i am only 22 years old. In the pass several months, I've lost a lot of sleep, I'm losing my look and enegry and now the stress has caused a severe hive reaction that is currently freaking me out.

     

    Yet, despite of all this - God's been blessing me with so many supportive and loving friends. Actually, just several. I've gotten many phoe calls from coworkers at work some even brought me food and took me to the doctor and letting me use her insurance card. How much can you ask for in a friend? My boyfriend has been very worried and tried to take care of me. He has been super patient and i really appreciate everything. How do i repay them for being so nice and caring. I'm not use to recieving a lot of help and love from others. I would rather be the one giving, however recently i've been learning to deal and accept because i think that is one of God's way of helping me. I am grateful and prays things will be well.